I've lost my keys.

'Ha ha!' Quick! Where's my notebook - 'Ah, shit it's gone.' Once again a potential laugh has floated away into the locked room of forgotten ideas. I'm sure I told it to wait. Oh well, I'm sure he'll come for a cuppa again soon, maybe when I'm in the shower. Oh, but I won't have my notebook in the shower it'll get wet an the pages will get stuck together and then ALL my ideas will be lost and I'll be left looking for that bloody key to open the locked door of the lost.

I hate writing, when you feel you have to. When the letters trudge out like the next block falling in a Tetris game. I love writing when the words flow like your hair as the wind runs through it while you're on the back of a dove. 

One of my secrets, which isn't so much a secret because many creative types do it, is to keep something near by that I can scribble a word or 2 on that'll make me remember later. 

Some of mine are as follows: 

- Toast Ghosts (Which sounds cool, more of a children's TV show, maybe I should go into that) 

- Poop (Just that - I don't know what's funny about poop anymore - or what isn't! Hahahaha, woah I'm hilarious)  

- Caveman, buses, shops (Yeah, decipher that one, if you can) 

And last but not least. 

- Tomato sun ( Erm - What? ) 

If anyone can tell me what went through my head that was so brilliantly funny that day, it would be appreciated. 

What I do is think of a punchline then write around it. It helps to do that instead of trying to write from the first line of the joke/story/script ect. That's my preference anyway. 

The difficulty comes from finding something that hasn't been done yet. Or if it has, you need to come in from another angle and write something even more hilarious than what's already been done.  

But it's hard! 

I love it when you've done a gig and you improvised a bit on stage or you thought of something that would have been funny at the time and wrote it in, or wrote around it. I know I've only done a gig so I'm far from the expert but it's already happened to me. I have now already got a nearly new set. 

Don't not write if you come blank. Write anything, put everything down. Even if it doesn't make sense - try to come up with things that don't make sense: 

 - Flinging grass into screwdriver bellies makes a great night out -

 - Running in on the bread pushing the glass out of the fridge - 

 - Afro protein - 

And so on... 

Write words as they come to your head, you might find that you can make something out of it. Plus, it's great fun and can be quite a laugh - It's called free writing, I think. 

- Unfortunately,  I couldn't do my 2nd gig last night as someone fell ill at Wimbledon station and I couldn't make it there on time. So, Tuesday - hopefully! 

I will probably write this again once I get into it more. I have been writing jokes for a few years but not actually got up to do them in front of people, I write poems and short stories too.

Phew.. Glad that's over!

Why don't you share your weird thoughts and notes - maybe try free writing in the comments? 

No Periods Please.

My heart was pounding in my chest, my head hazy. Standing outside Dirty Dicks (Not a strip club) smoking a cigarette, I gave up in September and every toke makes me feel naughtier and naughtier, I wait for the man with the list to arrive.
He seems to take ages, about 23 hours pass before he arrives and I state my name - Rual Gomez - He repeats it 3 times (He got it quick) and then writes it on the list. The list had scary names on it, are these people better than me? I really hope someone really, really bad goes on before me. When I say bad I mean I hope the audience run them off stage and kick them out then a man with a dog strolls past causing the 'comedian' to trip and fall into the road where a truck skims them causing their trousers to slide to their and everyone points and laugh, bad.

Why am I doing this to myself? I  ask taking another drag of the cigarette. I could just leave now, but I don't. I could pretend to have a 'spell' that girls have and boys get flustered about, but I don't. Why are the other people looking calm - What's wrong with me?
I can't leave anyway, being an aspiring performer in my early 20's I'm poor as shit and I've just wasted nearly a weeks food on this train ticket so I HAVE to do it.

We make our way downstairs. I'm one of the lucky ones and I have someone to bring with me so I don't feel too much like a knob and if I am terrible I can just blame it on a drunken dare and 'I ain't one of those who pass up their dares, no sir!'
We sit and we wait - talking passes me until I ask for another aid. 'Can I have a Fosters please?'

'Ru, you're on 4th'. I nod and look at the stage again. Sipping my drink I look at my pal and give the 'Can't do anything about it now' look.
Then, the show starts.

My heart feels like it's going to explode, I'm not really focusing on the other acts but I notice they're pretty good - 'Hey! Where's all these first timers?' I think. I just about finished my mind sentence before my names called and I can't get out of this now.
'Hi! I like to tell you...' I start my set. It's going well! 'They have met me!' the audience titter. Shit, shit, shit - the next line escapes me. I have my set in my poem book - my poem books there to make me look like a proper artist, but it really just makes me look amateur ' Not gonna use this next time' I think to myself as I fumble for the page where my set is scribbled.
Ah! I got it! 'But i'm not a...' I carry on. All is good! I laughed the glitch off and it seemed to work as the rest of my set flowed with more energy and above all I was enjoying myself.
And it's over.
The fasted 5 minutes of my life. I sit back down all nerves gone. The lingering adrenaline helps me enjoy the other acts more. I sit back and relax. 'I'll only smoke to help calm my nerves' I say confidently while inhaling another drag, in the interval.

The walk back to the station was quick. I wouldn't shut up about it - as the person I went with was a comedian too, one with a lot more experience. He gave me advice. 'Are you coming next time?' I ask. 'So, you're doing it again then?' He replies smiling.